In Need Of Some Servicing

I think generally speaking that customer service is almost nonexistent.  I worked as a server in college, there were two stints as a barista and I also worked in retail.  I understand what good service means and I really appreciate it when I get it.  Last night at dinner the service was terrible and the food wasn't much better.  I had to ask the hostess to refill our drinks because our waitress was nowhere to be found.  My food was swimming in oil and I couldn't eat it.  The waitress did not deliver the food to our table and not once did she come to the table after the food was delivered to ask how everything was.  Once again I had to ask the hostess to get the waitress.  I told her that the food was terrible and so was her service.  And she replied "well I did bring you an ice tea".  Is that the extent of your function in this position?  I don't know what has happened to customer service or why people don't care anymore.  I had knee surgery recently and I went to a clothing store while still wearing an awesome knee brace (the one that goes from hip to ankle) and using crutches.  I asked for the handicap dressing room and the sales "associate" informed they didn't have one.  I left without buying anything and called the district manager because I know by law that stores must have handicap dressing rooms.  She was just as worthless as the sales "associate".  I went back to the store the next day and discovered the handicap dressing room is used for storage!  I have never gone back.  To be honest I am too old for their crappy poorly made clothes anyway but they are cheap.  Oh, the store is Forever 21 FYI.

Stupidlicious

Why must everything end with “licious”? I am very tired of this. I understand that delicious is a word and I enjoy delicious things such as food and drinks; the occasional book or article could be called juicy and delicious. However why must we combine words and call things juicylicious, or fabulicious? Stylicious, beautylicious, bootylicious, blah blah blah. We get it, let’s move on already. I am worried that we are creating a generation of English speakers who can’t speak English or even hand write it let alone use a dictionary instead of spell check. We are bombarded with these fake words from every direction. With media consumable 24 hours a day and in a million different forms there is simply no way to isolate yourself from the epidemic. Does no one take pride in speaking well and sounding professional and/or educated? Is speaking well a lost art like penmanship? Does anyone in America know how to write in cursive? With the death of penmanship so dies our appreciation of a handwritten note or thank you card. I contend that a Thank You written in your own hand carries more value now than it ever did before and simply because nobody hand writes Thank You cards anymore. Christmas/Holiday cards have a signature inside and a folded up typed piece of paper letting the recipient know how much they have been thought of over the course of the year. Really? You care so much that I too received a copy of the form letter you sent to everyone else on your list? Sometimes you aren’t even lucky enough to get a real signature in the card, just a printed name. I think we should have THE QUICK BROWN FOX JUMPS OVER THE LAZY DOG day where we are all required to write this over and over again in cursive lest we forget how to do so.
Below are pictures of beautiful handwriting. I wish it were mine but sadly it is not. Notice that one of the pictures is a note that begins dear friend. Tell me when is the last time you received a note from a friend that was handwritten and not an email? Also notice none of the letters contain words ending in “licious”.

Cupcake Conspiracy!

Fancy cupcakes are extremely popular right now.  There are entire stores dedicated to producing only cupcakes and many have become wildly popular and successful. They offer cupcakes in every color and flavor. If you were to ask me what my favorite food is I would tell you dessert.  I love sweets and I consider myself a connoisseur of desserts.  As with all food I am very particular about dessert and my appreciation of the cupcake is no different.

Now let’s get to the crux of the discussion shall we?  I obviously have not sampled all the cupcakes in the world nor have I gone to all the fancy cupcake stores in the world and tried all their offerings.  However, of all the fancy cupcakes I have tasted I have yet to have one that tasted better than one I make at home and I think I know the reason why.  Fancy/gourmet cupcake makers focus on the frosting.  Usually the frosting is sky high and comes in a million different flavors.  It is applied to the little cake ever so delicately to increase its visual appeal.  The quality of the cake in my opinion suffers.  They are these mass produced dry little cakes with no moisture maybe even made the day or night before then frosted in the morning.  All the attention goes into making the frosting flavors and I assume that cupcake makers think that the massive frosting application will distract the consumer from the inferior cake quality that tastes more like a cotton ball than a dessert.

Well I will not be fooled by this frosting conspiracy!  Why you might ask?  Well I hate frosting!  I scrape it off cupcakes, cakes, cookies, etc.  Anything that might have frosting on it, I scrape it off before I eat it.  When I make cupcakes at home, I leave some unfrosted for me to enjoy to save myself the trouble of having to remove the frosting later on.  Once the frosting is removed the true caliber of a baker is revealed and there is no hiding from quality cover ups.  Scrape off that frosting and inspect the cake; is it over cooked?  Does it look moist or is it dry?  Does the cake crumble and when you take a bite do you feel the need to drink water while it is still in your mouth so that you can swallow?  If you answered yes to any of these questions you have just eaten an inferior crappy cake disguised as gourmet by fancy frosting.

Consumers of the world unite against the dry cake and take a stand!  If you get a dry cake return it and maybe write a Yelp review about it.  We must demand higher moisture to cake ratio! 

Whore Zombies Take Over The World

I'm pretty sure this has already happened.  The zombie invasion has happened and we are living it now.  I see women of all ages running around dressing like whorey tramps with a blank stare on their faces.  They are everywhere and I fear for my safety.  What happens if I become a whore zombie?  Is there a cure?  What if the world runs out of slut wear and trashy media for me to feed on?  I don't have all the answers yet but I promise I am working tirelessly to find an answer.  Until then all I can think to do is not walk around in vagina dresses (dresses that show the vagina) and Lucite heels.  Not tan my skin to an orangey urine color and avoid frosty pink lipstick at all costs.  All I can do is hope that this will work.